Angst

Angst: an acute but unspecific feeling of anxiety; usually reserved for philosophical anxiety about the world or about personal freedom.

Saturday was a bad day. I decided to go up to Pocket with the guys to explore the woods, thinking that we would be going on the trail I like up to Laurel Falls … a very relaxing spot. Instead, the guys decided that we would go on a far more treacherous trek up to Naked Falls (no idea about that name). Along the way, I ripped the left leg of my favorite shorts all the way up to the crotch, fell numerous times, got bruises, got cuts, dropped my phone in some water, got water on my video camera (thank goodness it still works), got my good sneakers soiled by falling in water and mud (they washed out well), and slipped about ten feet done a small mountainside. That last item ended with me falling off rock ledge five feet into pile of leaves.

Needless to say, today I have a headache and am feeling quite battered. It’s frighteningly similar to the time that I went skiing up at Whitetail.

It seems that every time I get hurt physically (I try to limit these times), I end up thinking about my emotional and spiritual state as well. It could be that this is God checking up on me. Sort of like He’s asking me to make sure I’m where I should be. I spent about 15 minutes talking to Him while I was sitting on a rock up at the waterfall, refusing to explore any more.

I’m just feeling majorly unsatisfied right now. This is not to say that I don’t like my current situation. I love it here at Bryan. I have some great friends and some even better teachers.

The last two days, my music collection hasn’t been satisfying me. This may not seem like a serious issue, but it is to me! Every song I click, at least right now, just seems old and battered. I think that’s because of my attitude. Quite frankly, it stinks. The only song that is fitting my mood right now is Billy Joel’s “And So It Goes” and that certainly doesn’t help my mood be any happier. I tried putting on happy music, but everything just leads back to “And So It Goes.” I don’t know why it fits right now because I’m not coming out of a painful relationship by any means. One line is catching my ear now though: “Every time I’ve held a rose, it seems I’ve only felt the thorns.” That’s sort of my attitude right now in my bruised and headachey state.

Its just that right now, there is a sense that I should be doing more! I feel sort of dead. Its not because I just sit around watching movies all the time. I don’t. I haven’t watched a movie in the last week! Its not that I don’t do my homework. I’ve done almost every assignment this semester. Admittedly, I don’t spend enough time in prayer and in God’s word. Maybe that’s the reason. Who knows.

Right now, I’d like nothing more than to take a car and drive around. Just drive. Anywhere. And do something. Maybe smoke a cigar. Maybe find a theater that is playing Into Great Silence. I think it’s a movie I could really benefit from right now.

Or maybe not. Maybe I need to do something loud and exciting to get my adrenaline pumping and hike my brain out of this weird and depressed state.

Damn it all, I don’t know what I want. I really don’t even know what I need, aside from a big dose of God’s grace.

Sorry for the randomness of this post … it’s sort of a Faulker-esque stream of consciousness thing right now. I’m sitting here in my bed listening to Billy Joel thinking I need to do something more. And I don’t really know what it is.