Wednesday, July 04, 2007

"Are you Ladiesman217?!"

Things I thought while watching Michael Bay’s Transformers.

Before time began, there was ... the cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them ... with life.

That was officially the worst opening narration ever.

Is it a requirement to have a loud, brassy, stereotype-driven black role in every Michael Bay film? I don’t see how this isn’t offensive to African Americans.

I didn’t know that the Transformers talked. Sorry.

Are the Transformers really going after LaBeouf because of an Ebay item? What an infantile plot device.

Is it possible for Michael Bay to let us forget the lead actress’ hotness for just one second, or must she always exist behind a layer of shimmery body gloss for the whole film. Seriously.

(And is she really that hot? Or is it just your tricky camera work, Mr. Bay?)

I’m sorry. You can’t make me feel emotional over a transforming robot named Bumblebee. It’s simply impossible.

Did Optimus Prime really just say “My bad”?

Was that really a Furby advertisement? I thought they were extinct.

Ahhh, John Turturro. You’re such a great actor. Now, you’ve reduced yourself to playing a stereotypical government agent who utters the most hilarious line in the film: “You’re a criminal. Criminals are hot!” And did that robot just pee on him?

How does one film something like this? It's got to be a logistical nightmare.


And so it goes. Transformers most definitely kept me entertained through it 2 ½ hour running time, but I walked out of the theater having seen what I expected: a cheesy summer action-fest that does nothing more than entertain. It’s a lot of fun ... even thought it's almost exasperatingly stupid, like all of Bay's films.

I guess I can leave room for that every now and then.


raymond said...

Haha. How does Transformers compare to Armageddon?

I'm a sucker for Armageddon. Cheezy, yes. Stupid, oh yes. But sooo much fun. Not as good as Independence Day though...

Nate said...

Great post, Phillip. Made me laugh to beat the band.

Phillip said...

Hmmm. I'd have to say that I like Armageddon better than Transformers, even though the effects are much better in the latter. I thought Armageddon had a good sense of humor thanks to Steve Buscemi's presence. I got sick of all the "You're all heroes" talk, though.

I think The Rock is my favorite Bay film.

And I still jump every time I see Independence Day when that Dr. gets attacked by the alien behind the glass...